The Trauma No One Talks About

Betrayal trauma happens when someone you deeply trust—like a partner, parent, or spiritual leader—becomes the very person who emotionally harms you. As a therapist who works predominantly with women, I see this kind of injury every day. Yet it remains one of the most overlooked and least understood forms of trauma.

What Is Betrayal Trauma?

Betrayal trauma is a psychological injury that occurs when someone we rely on for love, safety, or stability violates that trust. Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd coined the term, noting that the brain often suppresses the betrayal in order to preserve the attachment. Unlike more obvious forms of trauma, betrayal trauma is often invisible—it shows up as gaslighting, chronic self-blame, emotional withdrawal, and eventual isolation due to shame or divided loyalties.

Why It Goes Unnoticed

Our culture tends to recognize physical abuse but minimize emotional manipulation or neglect. Betrayal trauma often hides behind normalized behaviors—like women over-functioning, giving second chances, or staying “for the family.”
Girls aren’t typically taught healthy boundaries. Instead, they’re socialized to be caretakers, conflict avoiders, and peacekeepers. In betrayal trauma, the person may be physically present but emotionally unavailable—what Dr. Pauline Boss calls ambiguous loss.
When you're stuck in a loop of waiting—for change, for clarity, for consistency—you can’t grieve. You can’t move forward. This is the agonizing limbo that ambiguous loss creates, a type of grief with no closure—and no clear end. This is why I believe intentional acceptance is a key paradigm to these relationship dynamics.

When You Can’t Leave: Learned Helplessness

Even when someone knows the relationship is harmful, they may feel paralyzed to leave. This is often the result of learned helplessness, a psychological state in which repeated failed attempts at change lead to emotional shutdown.
Think of it like a trauma version of Stockholm syndrome. When your reality is repeatedly denied, minimized, or twisted—by someone you love—your nervous system eventually numbs to the red flags. Not because you don’t care. But because it’s too painful to stay fully conscious in a situation that constantly hurts you. This isn’t weakness, it typically works unconsciously. And it’s survival.

Why Women Are Most Affected

From an early age, women are taught to prioritize relationships, avoid conflict, and keep the peace. Many internalize the belief that their value lies in holding things together—even when it costs them everything. To be clear, this is not about being naïve or co-dependent. Many smart, self-aware women find themselves in these dynamics. Why? Because the shift happens slowly. Subtly.

Narcissistic partners often use intermittent reinforcement—offering warmth and affection just enough to keep you hooked. You wait for the version of him you first fell for, the one who still shows up—sporadically.

As Dr. Ramani points out, roughly one in every six people today, especially in Western societies, show enough narcissistic traits to impact their close relationships—far exceeding earlier clinical estimates. When betrayal trauma occurs, these same patterns can make it even harder to recognize abuse, let alone walk away from it. It’s far less about knowing better, and far more about the cost of leaving.

The Path to Healing

Healing begins with permission: to name what happened, and to believe yourself. Whether you choose to stay or go, recovery involves reconnecting with your internal compass, setting boundaries, and reevaluating your relational expectations. Therapy offers a grounded, nonjudgmental space to clarify your values, assess your needs, and expand your support systems. Somatic work, mindfulness, and wellness practices like sleep, nutrition, and stress regulation can also support symptom relief. Betrayal trauma isn’t rare. It’s just rarely acknowledged. By giving it language, and bringing it into the light, you can begin to unlearn it—and write a new story.

References:

Freyd, J. J. (1996). *Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse*. Harvard University Press.

Boss, P. (2006). *Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss*. W. W. Norton & Company.

Seligman, M. E. (1972). Learned helplessness. *Annual Review of Medicine*, 23(1), 407–412.

Durvasula, R. (2023). *YouTube video: Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships*. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jf2CC73eKqk